Gone Now

But in reality, he was the one that left me.

What I felt was so real. So real that it was surreal. Like I was breathing some of heaven's fresh air. Undeniably, I was invested. A wise woman once told me that you keep the man that wants you, not the man you want.
I waited, debated, anticipated, nursed, prayed, pushed, and shoved and I came out worse than I went in...yet, in some ways, much better. I gave second and third chances when in reality, neither was deserved. We ran our course, and thats that. Thanks for the memories. No need for anything more to be said. Lets not rehash what I already know. I was tired.
A tired woman, she don't have much patience after so long. Every little thing is crucial. Every interaction is a chance for things to go uphill, or sour. Nobody wants to deal with a stream of sour. Like some wrenching suction draining my enthusiasm and energy.
But what happens next is simply a move forward - regardless of the who, the why, and the what for. I don't owe anyone an explanation, and although circumstances are not perfection, this energy is ridiculous. I need that energy.
I am not the one who left; he was gone long ago. I just had the courage to abandon the empty seat beside me.

Jay Illa

Jay Illa is probably my favorite DJ in Chicago...not that others aren't great, its just that, quite frankly, Jay actually plays shit I wanna hear. Consecutively. He never has an "off" night, or a "blah" set. The best thing about Jay is that he never sells out to the crowd. He plays whatever he wants, which alot of DJs cannot attest to. Never, never, never in my experience have I ever seen Jay not rock a venue. And I'm not just saying that cause I know him. Jay is most definitely "Illa Than Most".

One Year Later

One.

Year.

Later.

Part of me still doesn't believe that Brittnii is gone, and least of all, I feel like its impossible that an entire year went by without her. I woke up at six something this morning, around the time of her passing last year, and I cried. She may have been here, I don't know. Under normal circumstances, I don't wake up at 6am.
We fought like aggravated pitbulls on a bad day, but on a good day, that was my roadie. No matter how much she pinched my nerve, I never left her without. I knew that she relied on me to deliver, and I always did.
Its funny now because, before, she used to try and make us proud. Make us feel good about her and her accomplishments. I now wonder if she looks on me and feel that I did her proud. One thing about Brittnii...she did her. Lived her life to the fullest. I know that I haven't, but I know that I should.
I realized this morning, that I can talk to her. And although she can't talk back, I can talk to her. Sometimes I don't have alot to say, but I know she is listening.
I promise I will do better.

A.D.I.D.A.S.

I don't know what happened. Its like the universe just decided that I should never get any....ever again in life. Maybe I am wearing a chastity belt that only others can see.

I have been going without for a very long time...longer than anyone would ever guess. But since I'm not thirsty, I dont go bending over backwards for every Tom, Dick, and Harry. So, I remain untampered with.

But what do I do when I want to be tampered with??? I just feel like sex is not in my reach. I'm not in a situation where I can just decide I want some, and then get it. Clearly, I have an issue on my hands.
And speaking of hands, thats the advice that my girlfriends give - when you aint got a man, you got a hand. Well, ladies...I dont go injecting my fingers into orifices other than my mouth when its feeding time, so that solution is a dead one. And of course, the rubber, jelly-filled robotic penis is not my forte'. A vibrator does not have hands, lips, and legs, and all that other stuff, like, you know, blood running through its veins, so it cannot satisfy me.
I'm just left feeling wanton for something that I cannot have. I feel like I'm turning into a man, because literally, all day, I am thinking about sex. I wake up thinking about it, and I go to sleep thinking about it. Not a single day passes when I dont think about doing the nasty. I'm not an intensely sexual person, so I dont know where this comes from...but the flames need to be put out, and not simply fanned.