The Year Ahead

Might be premature, but, I've already started a "To Do List" for things I need to get done over the next year.  (Did I mention I've already started planning my Thanksgiving menu?  Yeah...I'm that girl.)  Mostly, its a crapload of things that I've proclaimed I'm going to do the past several years, but, have never gotten to.  Or, never put in the effort to get to.  And this list may grow, but so far, here goes:

• Own a Matt + Nat vegan bag.
• Go on a shopping spree at Sur La Table.
• Finally buy something from Dean & DeLuca.
• Buy or build a real outdoor meat smoker.
• Own a full set of gourmet cookware.
• Buy a knife sharpener.
• Go on the Frank Lloyd Wright tour in Oak Park, IL.
• Attend a first-time homebuyers course.
• Go fishing.
• Go to a Chicago Bulls game.
• Save for a new car.
• See an acupuncturist.
• Finish my cookbook.
• Do more scratch baking.
• Buy a tablet.
• Post more on my blog.

The last one is immediately doable, yet, I have not DONE it.  I've been getting more requests for recipe-sharing, and I intend to start posting soon.  

We'll see how many of these I'm able to cross off by the year's end...

Grande. Dark. Roast.

Photo courtesy of thecord.com.

It's a tumultuous, absurd 90⁰ at 9:40am.  Anybody that knows me, knows that I hate heat, despite being an August-born baby.  At any rate, I mosey along the bustling streets of Downtown Chicago.  Hot as death. 


An ice-cold Mocha Chai from Starbucks must commence.  Must.  


It was a typical visit:  me pulling out my Starbucks gold card, me realizing I have no money on the gold card, me asking the barista to add a measly $5 to the gold card so I can get my fix for something Starbuckish.  It's a no-fail situation with me and this card.  Seriously.  Anyway, my drink was perfectly made.  I damn near percolated my way out of the cafe when I was approached by a man, who appeared to be down on his luck, asking for a few cents to buy a coffee. 


Tan-skinned.  Dingy Carolina-blue polo.  Weathered jeans.  Beige baseball cap.  Old school Sony Walkman.  


I told the truth.  I did not have a few cents.  I did not have any paper money or coins.  I told him "I bought my drink on my card...sorry."


He looked me in the eye and asked if I could bother to buy him a coffee on the card, too.  A strong brew.  To stay awake in the library.  If he fell asleep in there again, he'd be kicked out.


There is something about the homeless and panhandlers, or whatever someone may call them, that is immediately ignored.  Assumptions that money given will go towards a pint or a vial of crack, or, assumptions that this person is not as in need as they may appear.


My grandmother says not to ever worry about what the homeless man does with your money.  Be uplifted that you did what was good for the soul, for mankind, and helped a person that asked for help. The rest will be taken up with God.  


Be pleased with the fact that you have it to give.


I appreciate this man.  His need was coffee.  His need was not the $1.65 that paid for it.  And once you understand that, you've surpassed millions.

en·am·ored

en·am·ored

–verb (used with object)
1. to fill or inflame with love: to be enamored of a certain lady; a brilliant woman with whom he became enamored.
tr.v. en·am·ored , en·am·or·ing , en·am·ors

To inspire with love; captivate: was enamored of the beautiful dancer; were enamored with the charming island.

------------------------------------------

 
I came across this word today and it reminded me of a former love. Life is funny that way. Memories flood. Conversations of the past. This word was once used to illustrate a former lover's feelings for me. I always felt the usage of the word was very strong; after many, many times of hearing it, I equated the strength of the word to the strength of his love. Funny...



His muse.
My muse.
Peas.
Carrots.
None of which hold meaning at this point in time.


Friendship turned to love turned to an indescribable, consuming, sentiment of defeat. We lost. I lost. He lost.


Decoy love. Fallacy. Untruth. Fabrication.


It is easy to forget what was said. Some things, I will never forget. I will never forget the declaration to love endlessly. I will never forget the promise to always be honest and fair no matter the circumstance. I will never forget the promise to be in each other lives forever. I will never forget that he said, one day, he would make an honest woman out of me. I will never forget the day he said he was impatient for the day to see me as a 'cute little old lady'.


I will never forget that he chose to not choose me. 

Un•en•am•ored.

Eat, Pray, Love...

I read the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert last year and I have to say that it might've changed my life a little. I read this book at a time where I was seeking guidance in multiple areas of life (and, I still am lol), and I felt like the author's journey was easily indentifiable. Despite some of the mumbo jumbo and spiritual jargon, I found the book quite enlightening. I am pleased to find out they are making a movie for it...starring Julia Roberts. Whoa.

The Hidden Path

So, for the past several weeks, I've been on sort of a mini-personal journey re: my career, or lack thereof. I have been through the wire, back, and through the wire again with various jobs since I've moved back to Chicago. Nothing seems to move and shake. Nothing is getting me ahead (from what I can see, anyway). Upon speaking with a friend, she mentioned that perhaps this drama that I incur with the jobs I've had in Chicago are directing/redirecting me to a certain career path, but perhaps I just can't see it yet. I do believe that what she is saying a true - but wtf do I, as the individual, do? I have a life to live. I still have to work and be a grown-up and take care of my household. I cannot just sit and wait until the magic happens. I cannot twiddle thumbs until the dream manifests.

I mentioned to my friend that, at this point, I am not even sure what the dream is. I receive much feedback from friends and family that are convinced that I should be a chef, a caterer, a person dealing with food in some way. Previously, I would agree...now, I cannot say yes or no. Food is my passion. I write food, I cook food, I am a lover of food, and I've learned to embrace that, no matter how many people feel that food is not a passion/profession to pursue. However, it has become painfully obvious that I may not be able to "break in" to that industry. Out of the many stints and foot-in-door presumed opportunities, nothing was it. There is no jumpstarting. So, its like, back to the drawing board...? Is it time for a plan B, or C, D, E, F? Its easier for me to move into a field that I have little interest in, than the field I am totally interested.

The hope is that this path becomes uncovered. Exposed to me. I am anxious to move into something different and actually implement skills and showcase myself, for myself. I want to work and feel a sense of accomplishment within that work. I don't want to be another elf on the assembly line. I am not looking for advice, or opinions, or anything of the sort. Just putting my current thought on paper.

Green With Job Envy

For about a year (or more) now, I have been suffering from something called Job Envy - basically, Job Envy is a sickness that occurs when you hate on someone because you don't have the job/career that they have. I can look at people on the street, sitting at the Starbucks counter, working diligently from their laptops and think, without fail, "Damn, I wish I could sit at my laptop all damn day and sip Frappucinos..."

Mostly I envy people who work from home. Some people say "its not what you think it is", but I beg to differ...you're at home, and I am not.

I have two jobs: a job that I hate, and a job that I don't like.

I am currently working towards a career goal, but it seems to be taking fo'ever. Ultimately, I would like to have a career in food/culinary...catering/event planning/food writing/food marketing/blah, blah, blah. I am making some headway, which is great, but again, goal unreached. I want to dabble in some things, dip my foot in the waters, and try my hand at some ventures in various avenues that would lead me to some sort of real-life, enjoyable career.

I recently came into a company that I really wanted to work for. I mean, really, really wanted to work for. Albeit, not a position that I actually qualify for, but a position nonetheless. So, the plan was to work. Just work my way up until I obtain a position that I really want. Problem is, they are making it very hard for me (for reasons I won't disclose today). At some point in the near future, I'd like to advance with this company. Or simply advance, in the true form of the word, so that I can be fulfilled - I don't want to be envious of anyone, particularly, envious of people because of their 'great' job.

Love, Plain and Simple

Some people seem to think that love will solve all problems. Contrary to the old saying, love actually does not conquer all. Love is alot of things, but what it is not is a miracle maker. Love won't fix it. Love won't fix you. Its the action one puts into love that will resolve, heal, and flourish. Without trust, compromise, honesty, etc., love is a mere feeling, not an expression. Speaking love does not mean as much as showing love. Just my thought on this Saturday A.M.

Feverish Passion, Uncontained

For this year, I decided to live life more passionately. I plan to pursue life with such vigor, in a way, that will be unrecognizable to me...like I never have before.

I want to live more. Give more. Love more. Feel better. Refine who I am. Be more productive. Stop placing energy into dead sources. Stop sitting on goals. Start putting action into thoughts and ideas. I want to own me and own my direction. This is not a resolution; this is a promise. Yesterday, I took a long, hard look and said 'f*ck it'. I'm doing what I wanna do, f*ck everything else.

Everything is not all pretty and perfect and shit. Nothing is pre-packaged and post-marked. Life does not work that way. We don't know what we're gonna get. Take situations for what they are. Situational. Circumstantial. Non-permanent.

I may not get love the way I want, but I know, its coming. I can feel it. I may not have my dream job, but its coming. I have to persevere.I may not have that whole feeling, that whole-life. But its coming. I just have to know, and trust.

The seven has been put to rest.

Twothousandeight, yall. Halla.

Visions of a Sunset [Brittinii Nikko Sutton]

At a time like this, I feel its necessary to retreat to what I know best, and that is to write. For most things, I choose to write when I can't vocally verbalize.
For so long, I have dealt with issues of death--in one fell swoop, I lost three men in my life.
The sudden passing of my Uncle Johnny in November 1991 was a great loss to my family, for he was our patriarch.

The even more sudden passing of my father in February 1992, a few short months after Johnny, was a blow to my chest. My father was said to be in remission from leukemia, and had managed to survive a gunshot wound to the neck, inflicted on the night of Christmas Eve 1990.
Two months later, April 1992, I lost my grandfather. They say it was cancer, but I say it was his detachment from his right-hand...my father.

Others have gone since then. Big Mama, Uncle Greg, Uncle Gaylord. Uncle Charles.

Death is not unfamiliar to me, but even when it rears it ugly head, it hurts. It pains.

Today I mourn the loss of a friend. Ms. B. Sutton, you will be missed. Im sure youre looking down on us with all your sass, and snap, and telling us to be strong for you. Im trying to do it, I promise. I was in denial, and I didnt want to hear shit about you being gone. I dont want to hear nothing about no hit-and-run. I dont want to hear nothing about you not making it.

I feel like it was my duty to protect you at times. For that was the reason you asked Samantha and I to come into your life. You looked up to us, and for that, I could not feel more honored. The many times I got mad at you, or cursed you for blowing up my phone, mean absolutely nothing at this point. Ms. Sutton, you will be missed.

I am sitting here trying to think of how in the hell something like this can happen to you, to all of us. Friends dont die.

Im trying to stop this salty water from leaking out of my eye sockets, but I cant. Ms. Sutton, I am not sure if I can do this.

I am always the strong person of out everyone. Walking through shit and mud and doubling back, I have always been the rock. Resilient, and regenerative.

Can I be this person today? I thought so, but now I dont know.

Well you know me, I have to make light of everything in order to keep from going crazy. I have to make myself laugh at things that hurt. It doesnt diminish the pain, but laughter makes one hell of a bandaid.

Im not sure why God took you. Im not sure why he took you at the tender age of 23. You were a baby, still learning, still growing. About to graduate in December. About to get your shit on in this entertainment industry. About to attend an illustrious school for beauty art--which is what you really wanted to do anyway. Maybe God and them needed a stylist.

Im not sure if I will ever be able to say what I really want. My brain is mush right now. Please excuse me.
Ms. Sutton, what will we ever do without you? Who else is going to tell us that "tricks are kids"? Who else will admire Beyonce' as much as you? Who else will love Halle Berry as much as you do? Who else will rock a red stiletto like you? Who else will go crazy on me about not calling them back in five minutes?

Your purpose in my life has not gone unnoticed. Ms. Sutton, you had a higher purpose for me, and now, God has a higher purpose for you.

Gotdamn. I just cant see this.

I have a death complex. And judging from my family's history, one might understand why. Death, is not my friend. Death sure isnt my enemy. Death swings by from time and time like an uninvited guest and I have no choice but to let him in. This is the reason why I take so much off of people. Lies, bullshit, falsehoods, scheming, whatever. Because you never know when youre going to lose them. I hate to lose someone I love.
I have been there and done that, wrote a book about it, and thinking about making it into a movie. Live and let live. Forgive and let live.

My deepest, deepest condolences to your family, Ms. Sutton. You will be missed most by those who loved you most.

Last night, heaven received one saavy, ambitious, and sassy young lady.