Boyfriend's Girlfriend

I guess I'm still lightweight bitter about things from the past.

I have always had this underlying feeling that, even though I'm first rate, I'm still somehow second class. Like even though I'm a good person, my blessings in love are (very) few and thousands of miles in between. And I often feel like what is mine is often placed in the laps of others...and then I have to sit around and watch them reveling in what should eventually be surrendered to me.

There are many tales I could scribe about this concept (that I have been dealing with since kingdom come), but the most recent one is this:

Four years ago, I used to be in a relationship with this guy. It was an LD thing (as usual), so, things between us progressed slowly until eventually we became a couple. We would travel across states for visits, and talk long hours on the telephone, and all that cakey stuff that I love. But to no avail, crash and burn. Long story short, he was still holding a candle for his ex-girl, and behind my back, they were having their own little version of a LD tryst. Its the same classic story. She was his first love, his first lover. Prom date. There for him during the darkest hour. All that. I don't hate him or nothing. We actually have a very good and solid friendship out of the whole thing, which is kickass magnificent, considering.

Because of this friendship, we still talk. He called me the other day, and of course were shittalking and whatnot, and basically it comes out that he has a new relationship that is going very well. He was gushing and the whole nine yards...I could tell he was proud of this relationship. So at the time, I was very supportive and I was extremely happy for him. He is a good guy and he deserves a good woman. Maybe not me, but a good woman nonetheless.

After a couple days, something just hit me. Something just penetrated so deeply and stung so badly. Is this the way the universe works? He cheated on me (boldly), yet he is the one who inherits a wonderful relationship with all the frills while I'm still single and getting nothing. I have never cheated on anyone (in my adult life), and I have always been honest about who I am when dealing with men. I guess what I'm saying is that, I'm the package...straight with no chaser. No bullshit. No falsehoods or nothing.

I don't want him back or anything (HELL NO), but I couldn't help to feel like I was, once again, second class. And yeah, of course I know that I'm not - but the feeling is still there. And I can't shake that feeling. And those who know me know that I won't settle for second. So, I'm out here trying to be still enough to know when I will be first.

Feverish Passion, Uncontained

For this year, I decided to live life more passionately. I plan to pursue life with such vigor, in a way, that will be unrecognizable to me...like I never have before.

I want to live more. Give more. Love more. Feel better. Refine who I am. Be more productive. Stop placing energy into dead sources. Stop sitting on goals. Start putting action into thoughts and ideas. I want to own me and own my direction. This is not a resolution; this is a promise. Yesterday, I took a long, hard look and said 'f*ck it'. I'm doing what I wanna do, f*ck everything else.

Everything is not all pretty and perfect and shit. Nothing is pre-packaged and post-marked. Life does not work that way. We don't know what we're gonna get. Take situations for what they are. Situational. Circumstantial. Non-permanent.

I may not get love the way I want, but I know, its coming. I can feel it. I may not have my dream job, but its coming. I have to persevere.I may not have that whole feeling, that whole-life. But its coming. I just have to know, and trust.

The seven has been put to rest.

Twothousandeight, yall. Halla.