Visions of a Sunset [Brittinii Nikko Sutton]

At a time like this, I feel its necessary to retreat to what I know best, and that is to write. For most things, I choose to write when I can't vocally verbalize.
For so long, I have dealt with issues of death--in one fell swoop, I lost three men in my life.
The sudden passing of my Uncle Johnny in November 1991 was a great loss to my family, for he was our patriarch.

The even more sudden passing of my father in February 1992, a few short months after Johnny, was a blow to my chest. My father was said to be in remission from leukemia, and had managed to survive a gunshot wound to the neck, inflicted on the night of Christmas Eve 1990.
Two months later, April 1992, I lost my grandfather. They say it was cancer, but I say it was his detachment from his right-hand...my father.

Others have gone since then. Big Mama, Uncle Greg, Uncle Gaylord. Uncle Charles.

Death is not unfamiliar to me, but even when it rears it ugly head, it hurts. It pains.

Today I mourn the loss of a friend. Ms. B. Sutton, you will be missed. Im sure youre looking down on us with all your sass, and snap, and telling us to be strong for you. Im trying to do it, I promise. I was in denial, and I didnt want to hear shit about you being gone. I dont want to hear nothing about no hit-and-run. I dont want to hear nothing about you not making it.

I feel like it was my duty to protect you at times. For that was the reason you asked Samantha and I to come into your life. You looked up to us, and for that, I could not feel more honored. The many times I got mad at you, or cursed you for blowing up my phone, mean absolutely nothing at this point. Ms. Sutton, you will be missed.

I am sitting here trying to think of how in the hell something like this can happen to you, to all of us. Friends dont die.

Im trying to stop this salty water from leaking out of my eye sockets, but I cant. Ms. Sutton, I am not sure if I can do this.

I am always the strong person of out everyone. Walking through shit and mud and doubling back, I have always been the rock. Resilient, and regenerative.

Can I be this person today? I thought so, but now I dont know.

Well you know me, I have to make light of everything in order to keep from going crazy. I have to make myself laugh at things that hurt. It doesnt diminish the pain, but laughter makes one hell of a bandaid.

Im not sure why God took you. Im not sure why he took you at the tender age of 23. You were a baby, still learning, still growing. About to graduate in December. About to get your shit on in this entertainment industry. About to attend an illustrious school for beauty art--which is what you really wanted to do anyway. Maybe God and them needed a stylist.

Im not sure if I will ever be able to say what I really want. My brain is mush right now. Please excuse me.
Ms. Sutton, what will we ever do without you? Who else is going to tell us that "tricks are kids"? Who else will admire Beyonce' as much as you? Who else will love Halle Berry as much as you do? Who else will rock a red stiletto like you? Who else will go crazy on me about not calling them back in five minutes?

Your purpose in my life has not gone unnoticed. Ms. Sutton, you had a higher purpose for me, and now, God has a higher purpose for you.

Gotdamn. I just cant see this.

I have a death complex. And judging from my family's history, one might understand why. Death, is not my friend. Death sure isnt my enemy. Death swings by from time and time like an uninvited guest and I have no choice but to let him in. This is the reason why I take so much off of people. Lies, bullshit, falsehoods, scheming, whatever. Because you never know when youre going to lose them. I hate to lose someone I love.
I have been there and done that, wrote a book about it, and thinking about making it into a movie. Live and let live. Forgive and let live.

My deepest, deepest condolences to your family, Ms. Sutton. You will be missed most by those who loved you most.

Last night, heaven received one saavy, ambitious, and sassy young lady.

Fat Meat

You better believe your mama when she tells you that fat meat is greasy. That shit is like ham hocks and butter, fried with lard, sauteed in olive oil, and marinated in Crisco. Situation is already thick. Situation is already slippery. Oozing. Dripping. Keep on lubricating and adding slickness and watch that situation slip right out of your hands.
People don't always understand what golden opportunities are standing before them. And when you neglect to acknowledge those opportune possibilities, the eventuality is that said possibilities will neglect to remain. Opportunity is not complacent. Opportunity is not permanent.
The reality is that people are people. Human. And sometimes they don't know what is happening when its happening. Sometimes they do know and either don't care, or have not thought about the repercussions of leaving opportunities astray. To not acknowledge or accept a golden opportunity is equivalent to rejection. Although there was no formal rejection, it reads, spells, and breathes the same. Its like someone handing you a gift, wrapped deliciously in diamonds and pearls, and although you're not pushing it away, you're not reaching out to grab it either.
Repeatedly, people tend to let their fears overrule their common sense. Fear is fear and will show its face over a repeated series of actions, yet, common sense is innate and, thus, trumps fear. Well, should trump fear. But it doesnt always. You know whats right, yet because you're fearful/scared/scarred/guarded/etc., you think irrationally and let those irrational thoughts fuck up your gold. You might not appreciate gold, but there are plenty of other people who do. Henceforth, that opportunity will be offered to another participant.
One of the biggest mistakes a person can make is allowing matters of the heart to go unattended. Your heart speaks for you; syntax and semantics are clearly representative. To negate matters of the heart and simply make them take a backseat to external issues will only amplify the matters once they do resurface. And they will resurface. Matters of the heart come first, and everything else will casually fall into place.
No judgements made here. No harsh words. And as a friend, I will never tell a person what they should do or should've done, unless they ask. But I will remember the words exchanged, and moments shared...and so will you. Whether they are looked at with praise, forlorning, regret, or disdain, those were your golden opportunities.