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It's easy to lose yourself over a man, but what if it happens before you even meet him? Ill-fated past relationships may have already warped your dating personality and consequently sabotaged your future with someone else. Read: Why He Dumped You: 5 Potential Reasons. In her latest book, Ms. Typed: Discover Your True Dating Personality and Rewrite Your Romantic Future, Dr. Michelle Callahan says she has the cure for women whose dating characteristics no longer accurately reflect who they truly are. The seasoned psychologist has formulated 10 dating archetypes that women fall into after too many relationships gone wrong:- Ms. Second Place: The accommodating, eager-to-please dater who eventually ends up playing second fiddle to her man's career, hobbies or even wife. This chronic "settler" has lost sight of her self-worth after too many relationships in which she gives way to his needs every time. As a result, she suffers from low confidence and low expectations.
How she might have got here: "Men you've dated may have tried to convince you that you should go along with whatever they wanted, otherwise they wouldn't date you." Read: The Settling Debate - Ms. Sex Machine: This woman is Sex and The City's Samantha Jones in a nutshell. She uses sex for fun, for control, for everything except a healthy relationship. She brings in the physical before she is ready for the emotional and ends up attracting the type of men who will only treat her like a booty call.
How she might have got here: "You and your friends' earliest dating experiences with boys were sexual. And you grew to expect that sex would be an early and required part of all dating relationships." - Ms. Soul Mate: She is the idealist after watching peers getting hitched before her. Ms. Soul Mate dates as if every man could be "the one," and is so determined to settle down, she insists on commitment too soon. After a failed relationship, she is often struck with dread that an ex might have been "the one."
How she might have got here: "You grew up fantasizing about the day when you would be able to start your own family. Then you could get the love and affection you may have missed as a child, or you could finally be the most important person in someone's life." - Ms. Drama Queen: This woman loves a challenge, a competition and a dramatic fallout. She dates the wrong types of men because she gets a high out of the hard times. Ms. Drama Queen is one who doesn't mind going after a friend's man just to see if she can do it. Afterwards, she feels embarrassed for having been "that woman," however. Read: Diary Of A 23-Year-Old Mistress
How she might have got here: "Some of the young men you dated were quick to argue or get physical, and instead of turning you off, it turned you on." - Ms. Bag Lady: An emotional rollercoaster, Ms. Bag Lady hasn't sorted out her own personal issues before dumping it all on the new relationship. Her poor relationships in the past lead her to overreact to problems in the new one. She often feels depressed, unable to trust and unable to move on.
How she might have got here: "The men you've dated have been abusive or neglectful." - Ms. Mom: She takes over her man's goals as if they were her own, becoming his life coach, psychologist and mother all in one. She gives her all trying to improve him, but eventually neglects her own needs. Ms. Mom gets depleted emotionally and sometimes financially after her "project" has flown the coop. Answer: Is it alright to be possessive and controlling if we want it to be that way?
How she might have got here: "You were Ms. Mom around your house growing up, being told (or offering) to do things for men in your house (father, brothers, or another needy family member)." - Ms. Anaconda: A dater who inadvertently suffocates the men she's involved with. Paranoid that he will leave her, Ms. Anaconda holds on too tight by checking up on a man too much, manipulating him and keeping him away from his friends. When he leaves, it just confirms her suspicions and dooms the next relationship.
How she might have got here: "You trusted the men you dated to spend time apart from you, only to discover later that they were cheating on you." - Ms. Independent: After a particularly hurtful breakup, Ms. Independent builds an emotional fortress in order to prevent any more pain. Her now-cynical outlook causes her to miss the good qualities in men she dates. Even though she would like to start over, she can't seem to lower her guard enough to depend on anyone else but herself.
How she might have got here: "The men you dated were afraid to be intimate, and their defensive behavior made you feel you should keep your distance" - Ms. Rose-Colored Glasses: Ever the optimist, this dater refuses to see a monster even if she's sleeping in bed with it. She ignores red flags, friend's advice, even her own senses when it comes to detecting trouble. As a result, she is susceptible to being taken advantage of and cheated on.
How she might have got here: "You dated a man who became very angry and upset when you asked questions, and his reaction taught you to fear asking men for more information." Read: 12 Relationship Red Flags - Ms. Perfect: A woman who strives for perfection in every aspect of her life, right down to her man. Her standards are impossibly high and men get turned off by her judgmental attitude and meticulousness. She doesn't know how to relax, even on a date and comes off seeming cold.
How she might have got here: "Your parents had very high standards, and you felt pressure to be successful and a high achiever, otherwise you would be criticized or punished."
Do any of the types above resonate with you? Callahan's 244-page guide includes specific advice on how to overcome each "Ms. Type." The book concludes with "The Ms. Typed Makeover Kit," a section designed to help one sketch out a game plan for a happier and healthier dating outlook. A few general tips:
- Create a support team of close friends who can be there for you during a transitional time.
- Create a vision for your dream life; it will prevent you from settling.
- List what's holding you back from that dream life and assume those things are false.
- Gain closure by venting all your burdens out on paper. You can destroy the papers later.
